Vindication

Sometimes there is just no vindication.
There is no feeling of peace, no magical state of mind in which everything is right with the world and everybody that matters loves you.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you fight to keep true to yourself, to do what you think is best for the people that most matter to you, there is no unbiased opinion of what you did to pat you on the back and whisper "you did the right thing".
And it's not about being a martyr, it's not about being universally loved or recognized as a nice guy. It's about not being wrongfully accused, it's about not being misinterpreted, it's about recognizing the intent as it should be, not as what is easier to handle.
Because the lack of vindication comes from a need to paint the world as a "me against everyone" scenario, basically if you hurt someone you are a bad guy, and that's it. Black and white. And the world, life! they're not like that. Life is not a battlefield in which you either make the other person happy or you're out to get them.
And the need for vindication derives from this important distinction: it's not black and white, it can be gray. It's not what you need to believe that is the truth, it's the facts that are the truth. The words that need to be said DO matter, they're not just random bullshit or pre-rehearsed lies.
Maybe all of this realization comes from deeper things, from needs rooted deep in you. But the truth is that there is nothing wrong in wanting people to recognize for what you are and to appreciate the things you do for them even if it hurts them.
And vindication should come at some time, not as a vendetta but as driver for a sense of justice, for a sense of rightness, for peace of mind.
But it won't.
And this is not a self commiseration kind of statement like "oh life is just like that" and so forth. No, in a relationship between two people, be it love or friendship, when at least one of them is invested in it there is bound to be collateral damage when things happen. It's not a matter of lack of maturity, it's just a matter of saying the quasi-impossibly right things at the almost-as-impossibly right time.
This I can say does not happen very often.
The fact of the matter is: you can't make everybody keep liking you no matter what happens and you don't have the right to expect everyone to see things as you see them.
Despite all of this, the need for vindication will be there. The need to explain, the need to make them see what you did, what you meant, what you felt. The need to make them listen and the need to make them understand. But it's just something you'll have to learn how to live with.
Because sometimes there is just no vindication. And that's ok, because life goes on and people move on and so should you. And so should I.